Or, Maybe Not Coming Home. Yet...

Jimmy has lost weight two days in a row, and finally gained some tonight. He's still so sleepy, and is inconsistent in waking to eat. He will only nurse when he's wide awake and active. So we made the difficult decision to focus on bottle feeding for a couple days to see if that helps him take in enough calories to come home so we can *finally* feed him like we want to. (I hate to see bottles shoved in his mouth so he eats in his sleep, but hey, if it's his ticket out we'll do what we have to)

Praying for peace during these days of not knowing if he will come home in two days, or two weeks. Today, if I wasn't running around crazy trying to get things done, (or snuggle my little almost-sick big boy) I was uncontrollably crying my eyes out. The big, deep emotions of this difficult pregnancy, draining hospital stay for me, then for Jimmy, on top of life with two busy kiddos... all those emotions are bubbling to the surface and can't be stifled. The nurse practitioner today was so sweet to talk with me a long time, cry with me, and encourage me. She said our little guy is in the top 1% the babies they see, with how well he's done. God has truly carried him through ever moment of every day since his conception.

I remember, back when I was pregnant and first started to bleed for days on end, and fearing we were losing our child....

I remember choosing to give our son all the love I had to give. To delight in his life, every moment of it, however short it may be. I gave him my heart, my devotion, my never ending motherly love.

Even if I was only able to give him that love in utero, for a few short weeks.  Many times we thought it was the end, nearly time to say goodbye to our boy. And over and over again God breathed life into him. He held my placenta together (just barely) with His hand, and nourished my boy, gave him LIFE... until the exact moment He had planned for him to start his days outside my womb.

Not a moment too soon, nor a moment too late.

God matured his lungs, grew his digestive system, protected the intricate places in his brain, nerves, blood vessels, kidney, heart.... Exactly as He had planned. We gave our whole heart to this tiny boy, cried out to God to protect him from a life-too-short...and that is exactly what He's done.

My some James has my whole heart, even as he sleeps in a crib too far away. God is still protecting him, maturing his body....all for His own Glory. God, truly, is so good to us.

Even when I can't stop crying for all we've lost along the way. I choose to praise His Powerful Name for all He's done for my Jimmy.
...Tears of grief washed away by tears of rejoicing....